So I found myself sitting here, thinking about that four letter word that always seems to come across my mind at the most random and inopportune times: Love.
Though I’ve written on the subject before, I feel like I wasn’t being true and authentic about it. Many of those previous posts, which have long since been removed, were merely a hurt and scared young boy crying out for attention and validation rather than digging deep into any real emotion.
But a lot has changed since then. I’ve changed since then.
So I figured, while I had some time and it was on my mind, I might share some of my new thoughts with you all. Now, as someone who has never been “In Love” before, I must preface that my thoughts are one-sided and therefore up for individualized interpretation.
So with that, let’s begin.
One of my favorite romantic films is the 2013 Spike Jonze directed, Her, starring Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams, and Rooney Mara. If you haven’t seen it, the story revolves around a lonely, recently divorced writer named Theodore (Phoenix) who begins to fall in love with his digital operating system, Samantha (Johansson).
I love this movie for many reasons, but above all else I think what makes it so special is how effortless and organic the friendship turned relationship develops between Theodore and Samantha. And after rewatching the film, I got to thinking about what it is that I truly valued when seeking out new potential relationships.
One of the biggest hurtles that these characters faced in the film is probably the most obvious that people would anticipate: One is human and has a body, while the other does not.
Being an OS, Samantha is essentially a floating consciousness that seeks to learn what it means to be human and understand and express her own feelings and emotions. Throughout the film Samantha is constantly learning through her time with Theodore what it means to Love. Simultaneously, however, she discovers how difficult it can be to balance one's personal journey to self-discovery and intellectual/ emotional intelligence while being in a committed relationship.
Let’s pause for a second.
While this may be a pretty extreme version of this particular circumstance, I feel like the core of the issue remains the same for all relationships: How do you Love someone freely and completely, without stifling each other’s personal growth journey?
A lot of times, young people (early to mid-20s) can find themselves caught up in what they believe to be a “Loving Relationship”. They talk on the phone for hours, send those good morning/good night texts like clockwork, and parade each other on social media, so everyone in their circles will know they’re “claimed” or “spoken for”. All the while, no one knows just how physically and emotionally drained they are trying to balance their professional or educational ambitions with the pursuit of social clout/acceptance.
*Note that NOT ALL relationships are like this, obviously, but I’m speaking from things I have personally witnessed*
So what am I getting at?
Well, I think there’s a point where we have to realize that while we’re young and reckless and want desperately to be loved and understood by another, there comes a point where you have to ask yourself the following:
“Why am I here?
“Is being in this relationship helping or hurting my personal growth?
“Is there still room for us to disagree with one another without causing conflict?”
“Do I still have the freedom to be myself and pursue MY goals and dreams?
“Or am I dimming my own Light to let the other person shine?
“Are we motivating each other?
“Are we pushing each other everyday to be better than we were yesterday?”
It’s these sorts of questions that, when really analyzed, can make or break a relationship. However, it’s not all doom and gloom. If you and your partner are HONEST with each other about where you stand and what you hope to accomplish, personally as well as together, you can overcome these hurdles and come out on the other side stronger and more unified than ever before. Only this time, it won’t be because you were pretending or putting on a brave face for the other person, but because you were truthful and wanted to learn how to grow together rather than wait to wither apart.
With that being said, I believe the first key to a genuinely Loving relationship that I personally would want to be a part of, is Honesty. Honesty of dreams, ambitions, and intentions. Once you know the end goal, you can work together to come up with a plan.
The second key to Love, at least in my book, is Laughter.
Surprising? I hope not.
In the film, when Theodore is out and about with his earpiece and camera showing Samantha the world around them, there isn’t a single scene where they’re not laughing together. Laughter, at least in my mind, is one of the easiest ways to the Heart.
When you’re laughing with the person you Love most, I can only imagine how blissful and serene that must feel. You’re not worried about anything else. You’re just living in the moment and making memories together. And in those rough times (cause it can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time) knowing how to make your partner laugh can only ease the tension and help repair the damage.
Therefore, go find someone who you can have genuine conversation with. Make weird, outlandish, rude, hilarious observations with them. Show them how you view the world, and be entranced by how they view it. Have hearty laughs until you cry, gasping for air. Call them up at 3 a.m. and tell them every detail of the crazy dream you had about the neighbor’s cat. Meet them for lunch and make funny scenarios for the other couples in the restaurant. Go get drinks and sing horrible karaoke at the bar. Whatever you do, just LAUGH! It’ll keep you both young, happy, and energized. And you’ll be surprised at how quickly you fall in love with them all over again.
And the third key to Love, in my not-so-humble opinion, is Consistency.
Towards the end of the film, Samantha begins to widen the scope of her relationships to people beyond Theodore. Now, she doesn’t mean any harm by this per se, she’s merely evolving and expanding beyond the limits of what she and the other OS’s believed they were capable of. Theodore however, is frantic that he’s about to lose Samantha forever and he’s devastated to learn that she’s not only talking with over 8,000 other people while she’s with him, but she also claims to have fallen in love with over 600 of them. Once again, we have a Hollywood dramatization of a very real fear that plagues almost all of us living in the age of social media and ever-evolving technology.
Theodore’s fear came from a combination of Samantha’s dishonesty and her inconsistency. She went from being readily available to more distant and while Theodore’s affections remained mostly the same.
Consistency is one of the many things that I personally struggle with and am in the process of learning how to overcome. I used to blame it on my mutable Gemini personality, but the truth is it was usually just me either being too lazy to respond accordingly or convincing myself that things wouldn’t work out for some arbitrary reason and giving up prematurely. It took many failed attempts at happiness and long conversations with my close friends to realize how often I was self-sabotaging, all because I couldn’t remain consistent with my feelings.
Whether it’s a brand new relationship or one you’ve grown and cultivated for some time, you owe it to yourself and your partner to remain as consistent in your actions as you possibly can. No one wants, or deserves, to live in constant fear that even after they invest their time and energy into you, you’ll just wake up one day and feel completely different.
Although that can happen, depending on the circumstances that lead up to it, I believe that just because you can’t see the finish line right away, that shouldn’t mean you throw in the towel and give up the race. You owe it to yourself to see where the relationship can go, first. And then, once you feel like you’ve done everything you could, and if the effort still isn’t being reciprocated to your satisfaction, then by all means, let it go.
But, don’t deprive yourself of a potentially good thing too soon. As Amy Adams says in the film, after having broken off her marriage with her controlling husband, “We are only here briefly. And while I’m here, I want to allow myself…Joy.”
So, I hope I’m not rambling tonight, but I thought I should share those keys with you guys and hopefully it puts you on the right path toward finding that perfect person who will love and cherish you the way God always intended. And you’ll recognize it when it happens because:
A.) They’ll be honest with you about EVERYTHING
B.) They’ll always know how to make you Laugh, &
C.) They’ll be consistent in how they interact with you.
And if they’re not, don’t be afraid to throw the whole thing away and start over till you find it, because YOU deserve it!
Sending you nothing but Love,
The Noble Negro